my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
