Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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