I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
