your parents love me but you hate me
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
