I accidentally had phone sex last night
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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