just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize