chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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