Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I want her autograph on my taint
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
