i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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