I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
