I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
