She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
