I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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