Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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