Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
what day is it and did you see me today?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
