I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
