I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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