My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
