At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
