He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
