8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
seriously i just wanna be friends
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We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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