I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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