Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
