We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
