Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
