Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
