Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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