I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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