and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
