Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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