It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Randomize
