He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
