Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
