worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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