the condom got lost in my hair
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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