so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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