we're chasing vodka with high fives
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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