I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
