I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
