I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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