i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
