my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
