I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
