Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
