It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
