Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
