cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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