sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He felt like a one man threesome
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Randomize
