this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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