I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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