I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
