Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
