I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
