Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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