Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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