my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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