The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
