Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
There's always time for handjobs
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize