Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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