Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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