the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
