i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
