this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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