so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
