So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
