It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
