So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
