Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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