She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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