I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
