Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
