Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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