I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
